By Teresa Currivan, LMFT, Parent Coach
What is deschooling?
Deschooling is the process of allowing a student to abstain from any school or learning-related activities. The objective is to allow the child’s intrinsic motivation to learn to return.
While it is easy to understand deschooling in terms of “no school” for a length of time, (and sometimes this is all that is needed,) what is more difficult to understand (and to do!) is the nuance of integrating the twice-exceptional, or any differently tuned-in student back into learning. This integration is crucial to the student’s success and is best done using a combination of deschooling and unschooling.
Why would I need to deschool my child?
Deschooling is necessary when a child has experienced school refusal or trauma — any intellectual, social, mental or physical harm within the school setting. The nature and length of the trauma the child has endured impacts the amount of time he needs to deschool, from a few months to a few years.
What is the difference between unschooling and deschooling?
Deschooling differs from unschooling but works nicely with it. Unschooling is a method of schooling that follows the child’s interest in connection with real life and the real world around them. It can include travel, cooking, watching documentaries, having a mentor, and, in my translation of the term, even traditional instruction and classes.
Both unschooling and deschooling involve a break from the traditional school setting and assume that the child has an intrinsic desire to learn. There usually isn’t one magical day when deschooling ends: there is an art and science to knowing when and how to introduce education again. Unschooling works well with deschooling because there is room to understand when to back off, when to drop seeds of thought, and when to allow the child to rise to a challenge, but it can be accomplished in any educational setting with willing adults.
What do I need to know about deschooling?
Not feeling like you belong to a group, not feeling capable, feeling bored (and confused about that boredom), in addition to related issues such as sensory issues, can cause a child to act out in rage or feel deep depression. So many of the parents who I help are in the midst of helping their child out of this. It takes parents and teachers to believe in them in order for them to believe in themselves again. Deschooling with trust in the process is a large piece of this puzzle. The paradox here is that deschooling can cause more anxiety for parents who are new to homeschooling or alternative schooling than any other factor.
Because twice-exceptional students are often misidentified as being “behind” the performance level in some or all areas that a traditional school expects, to the parents, the prospect of deschooling seems to be going in the wrong direction. Additionally, these students can have challenges such as autism, ADHD, or sensory issues. And the tip of the iceberg is that these very same students are often bored to tears because the subject areas that they are very interested in are not being explored in the capacity they crave (if at all.) This seemingly paradoxical mix is why traditional school doesn’t work and is why a new direction is needed.
Deschooling is the transition to this new way of learning, and inherently involves a big leap of faith. It requires that the adults let go of any outcome in one or all subject areas and an investment in discovering how the child learns. The paradox (so many paradoxes!) is that, in letting go of an outcome, the adult is making space for the child to return to the subject on their own terms. Easy to understand, hard to do! The most important element in allowing the child to heal and to come to learn on their own is the adult’s trust in the process and in the fact that the child has an intrinsic desire to learn. Sometimes the stress or doubts the adult has about the process can impact the child’s own faith in their shooling or in themselves. (Especially the sensitive ones.) When ready and motivated, gifted children will catch up on any topic they are interested in, especially when taught in a way that suits them. (Often there is no stopping them!)
What does it look like?
In my work as a coach to parents of gifted and twice-exceptional children, many who are homeschooling, I have found deschooling in combination with unschooling to be effective and essential to getting back on track to learning. More often than not, certain topics continue to be a struggle until deschooling has fully occurred. While no two deschoolers are going to look alike, here is a timeline of Dennis’s* progression through deschooling math. Math is a subject that is often lost to creatively gifted children.
1st Grade: He is doing Montessori math and enjoys memorizing simple math multiplication and division problems, sometimes asking his mom to quiz him while they are driving. (Montessori school is not working for him for other reasons, however. While he enjoys doing math in his head, he does not like writing them down.)
2nd Grade: He is back in his traditional school where he went to kindergarten, he dislikes math worksheets and asks why he has to do the same problems over and over. Math homework eventually becomes a shouting match nightly with his father. By the end of second grade, his mom has pulled him out of school to homeschool him for various reasons.
3rd Grade: His mother homeschools him and learns that most curricula she tries out for him (and tutors she obtains), work for about a day before he loses interest. He has success going beyond grade level in fun ways in some other topics but she can only find a “spark” for his love of math when YouTubing things that he brings up such as “infinity” and something called “Gold’s number.” At my suggestion, she uses this year to address some neurological issues and only has him learn what is interesting to him. This year is also about connecting with the gifted homeschooling community.
4th Grade: By fourth grade, she puts him in a school that understands 2e and highly to profoundly gifted learners. This school, Big Minds Unschool, (see link, below) deeply understands deschooling. Dennis is still resistant to math, and they know to back off. The teachers talk about math concepts in terms of other topics, in non-intrusive ways. His first math “spark” is as follows: One obsession he has this year is flying. As part of this, he wants to figure out how fast he has to run in order to make a non-motorized flight suit take off. In order to measure how fast he is running, one of his teachers teaches him how to calculate his running miles per hour. He comes home and is excited to show his dad how to figure that out. He tells his dad how to write the formula down. He remains resistant to doing the math on paper and writing it down formally with a math tutor.
5th Grade: In fifth grade, his interests are politics, economics, and government. For most of the year, his math tutor creates new problems related to these subjects such as figuring out the GDP of a country. Dennis is only able to stay engaged as long as there is a real-world relationship to why he is doing math, and when it is related to one of his areas of interest.
6th Grade: This year, another teacher, (the one who helped him calculate his running miles per hour back in fourth grade), sees an opportunity and asks Dennis if he would like to work with him. He thinks that Dennis is probably ready for more formal math: for writing down equations and doing more basic math on paper, without needing a real-world problem each time. Dennis is now “doing worksheets” again, but because of the strong relationship he has with this teacher and his teacher’s impeccable timing, this approach works.
7th Grade: He continues to have a great relationship with his math tutor, who is able to go at lightning speed for the kids who are ready to excel. By the end of the school year, Dennis is asking for additional math tutoring so that he can get ahead.
8th Grade: He is now at a different school, is taking his first group math class, and is requesting additional math tutoring in his free time. Dennis’s mother reports that if you had told her when he was in third grade that he would be asking for extra math tutoring by 7th grade, (or any math at all, ever), she would not have believed you.
Is he looking like a typical 8th grader now? Not by a longshot. This was never the goal. This is perhaps the hardest part for parents of 2e children to accept, and what I help parents to understand in my parent groups and my practice. He still has “challenges,” that don’t look like other 8th graders, such as spelling and writing, but he doesn’t let them get in the way of his interests and classes. His friends have various challenges and areas they excel in, and this contributes to his ability to judge himself less by comparison. Big Minds created a culture of understanding for him where the students’ abilities and disabilities were discussed openly and with respect. I see this in the gifted homeschooling culture as well. Not only does it help children and parents to understand weaknesses, it surprisingly opens doors to accepting gifts as well. This duality is difficult for many to comprehend, but these children understand it on a deep level when it is nurtured in them. (It’s harder for the adults!)
Parents need to “deschool” as well. And it is harder for some than others. Dennis’s father, who is an academic and values math and traditional education in general, tells me that it was like jumping into the void for him, and very anxiety-inducing. It required a big, uncomfortable change in him, which included letting go of expectations of what he had assumed Dennis’s education would look like and questioning what is really important for a child to learn. He had to deal with a lot of his own worry and fear about his son’s future.
Contrary to how he was beginning to perceive himself in second grade, Dennis holds his head high because of this change in perspective that deschooling allowed him to find in himself again. He uses what is at his disposal to accomplish what he wants. He has friends who he writes articles and screenplays with. He hunts and pecks and doesn’t mind that his spelling is off. He uses technology to solve some of his problems – things that his parents could never have known would be available when he was younger, such as sharing a document with a classmate in real-time while both are in their own homes. (Like online gaming, but in document form.) His favorite class is History, a topic that was kept alive while he was deschooling. What is important is that he can accomplish what he wants. When the time is right, he may ask for more help. Or not. And that’s ok.
I know that many families need to work within the traditional school’s paradigm. In this case, I would use the information learned from gifted homeschoolers and alternative schoolers to inform how you frame your child’s struggle and how to solve them. There is a lot that can be done outside of school. The most important thing you can do as a parent is to have faith in your child.
Deschooling is about teachers and parents being able to see the whole child and having faith in their abilities and their desire to learn, which includes understanding when to back off, when to drop seeds of thought, and when to allow the child to rise to a challenge. The overall goal is for the child to internalize this faith in their desire to learn and create that has been lost or injured. A faith that will last them a lifetime.
*name and some facts have been changed to protect the child’s privacy
© 2019 Teresa Currivan
Teresa Currivan is a mother, licensed marriage and family therapist, school therapist, and Parent Coach. She is the author of the book, My Differently Tuned-In Child: The Right Place for Strength-Based Solutions, and has published extensively on the topic of differently wired children. She has developed the Currivan Protocol™ for assessing, treating, and supporting the complexity of differently wired children. Teresa has connections to SF Bay Area schools and gives talks to parent groups and faculty there. She leads support groups for parents of differently wired children at The Right Place Learning Center. She has been published on sites such as Mother.ly, Filter Free Parents, and is a blogger at GHF and Hoagies Gifted Education page. You can find more articles related to being differently wired in her book. Follow her on her Facebook at fb.me/TeresaCurrivanCoaching.
Teresa offers a free 20 minute zoom or phone call to see if she can help you.
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This is part of a blog hop over at Hoagies Gifted Education Page, go check out other writers on the topic of Deschooling Your Gifted Child.
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