by Teresa Currivan, LMFT

So by now most of us have seen the son of Tim Walz react to his dad at the DNC convention. Yes, there were comments and they were taken down. Yes, there have been questions about Barron too. So let’s begin to begin to understand neurodiversity, admitting that it is a new field, even for the professionals. It’s ok to be confused about the terminology.

“Wait, isn’t that autism?”

“What now? What is this language disorder?”

“What exactly is ADHD? Isn’t it just an excuse for a child who can’t sit still?”

So many questions.

Lately, we have been taking the developing knowledge from areas such as autism, sensory processing disorders, giftedness, and more, to understand better those who are not neurotypical. It’s the dawn of a new age of understanding those who are wired differently than the norm. 

If I could scream anything from the rooftops to help us understand neurodiversity better, it would be that we need to understand the specific traits any one neurodivergent individual can have – and how each trait changes the other. This is why no two neurodivergent people are the same, and why no two people with a neurodivergent diagnosis, such as ADHD or autism are the same. 

I tend to get really technical when explaining neurodiversity, but not here as much. For any of my other articles on ADHD, Sensory Processing, gifted girls, etc, please see my website and book. 

I work at a high school where half the population is merit-based: they are high achievers, many of whom are first-generation Americans who want to do well in school. The other half is made up of students in Special Education. Historically it’s been a little like oil and water, these two camps: both the teachers and the students. Some subtle bullying, but mostly just tolerating each other. Lately, we are finding some of the high achievers to also be neurodivergent and therefore have some special needs, and that some of the special ed students who we once thought had intellectual disabilities have the IQ of Einstein, but with all of the quirks that come with it. 

The two camps seem to be merging.

One of the biggest traits people responded to at the convention when Gus was so unapologetic about his expression of feelings can also be seen in our special ed students. Many of them can only be who they are. A common neurodivergent trait is the inability to tone down the outward expression of inner emotions. (It’s a result of a few traits, but if you want more technical explanations, you can see my other articles on my website, I’m trying really hard not to nerd out into one of my technical explanations in this article… it’s hard.) For a typical high schooler, I would say this is the challenge they all struggle with. They are all trying their best to play it cool. In fact, aren’t we all? We want friends, We don’t want to be cast out. And to do so, we gotta be cool. For most of us, it was in high school where most of us crafted this ability to fit in.

This is the same in politics, the workplace, or anywhere in the real world when in public. There are societal expectations and norms that we have all agreed to, unconsciously or not. 

Working in mental health, often with adults who are trying to heal their childhood wounds, to come to a place of positive self-acceptance, and also working with neurodivergent students, it seems that the neurodivergent students are ahead of us a bit in that they are refusing to lose parts of themselves in order to fit it, which is the very things we are often reaching for when we go to therapy as adults. They never lost it, but for this very reason, it’s harder to fit in. It’s like some neurodivergent individuals are wired to be true to themselves over and above anything or anyone else. How refreshing. What they need help with is how to navigate this crazy world that isn’t expecting that.

A high school student* once said to me, “All I want is for others to be happy.” This, by the way, is a student on the autism spectrum who is also profoundly gifted. He dresses differently than others. In fact, when he tries to dress like he thinks he should (and not how he wants to,) he ends up looking even more different than others. His motivation for his clothing choice has more to do with his favorite action hero than trying to be like other students. It all kind of works visually until he switches it up to fit in. It’s as though even the dishonesty with himself shows up visually outwardly. which kind of works visually, but when he tries to add, say a visor because it’s tennis day, and that’s what tennis players wear, the whole visual vibe is off. Picture Superman wearing a visor. He, like every student I know, wants to belong and to have friends. The difference is that he is not willing to sacrifice any part of himself, including his ideals, in order to do so. This hadn’t been a conscious choice until he realized it in therapy with me.

 To others from the outside, it can look like he doesn’t care what others think of him. (He kind of doesn’t) and therefore that he doesn’t need to fit in (he very much wants to belong.)

The other day I was hanging out in a park in the heart of Silicon Valley with a friend who has an autistic son. He also has an auditory processing disorder and was making noises into a wall and listening to the echo – most likely measuring in his mind the length of time for the echo to return to him. But to most, it looked like a 7th grader making funny noises. Nobody flinched. This was a park with professionals sitting and eating lunch. Another boy of a similar age even asked him to play with him. (The answer happened to be, “no,” and that was ok too.) What I love is the unconditional acceptance we are beginning to have of neurodivergent individuals. This would not have happened 10 years ago. Or even five. (I also love how this is helping us to accept everyone – typical or not, more wholeheartedly.)

When Gus stood up and was so outwardly emotional, what I enjoyed seeing was the normalization of his actions. He didn’t second guess himself, especially being the son of a politician, he could have been raised to present in a certain manner. But clearly, the message he has gotten is to be himself. Even when his dad’s job is on the line. And to see the reactions of his family nearby: his sister, deciding whether to stand or sit, looking at him and enjoying his reaction, and even making the choice to sit this one out for herself. Clearly, this is a family that welcomes people as they are. 

What I see happening is that as we understand and accept all the different traits of neurodiversity and how each trait impacts the other in any given individual, in its own beautifully unique way, we are becoming more able to accept the deep and varied humanity that is in each and every one of us.

*Facts have been changed to protect confidentiality.

©2024 Teresa Currivan

Teresa Currivan is an author, mother, licensed marriage and family therapist, school therapist, coach, and consultant for individuals and parents at Help My Child Thrive Coaching. She developed The Currivan Protocol™ Qualitative Assessment Tool to assess and address co-occurring issues in neurodivergent students. This has been popular in her private practice and she has adapted it for use in public and private schools. She is the author of the book, My Differently Tuned-In Child: The Right Place for Strength-Based Solutions. Teresa has been published on sites such as Mother.ly, Filter Free Parents, and is a blogger at GHF and Hoagies Gifted Education, and is a contributing author to the GHF Press book, “Perspectives on Giftedness.” Teresa has connections to San Francisco Bay Area schools such as Fusion Academy, Big Minds Unschool, The Academy of Thought and Industry, and the San Francisco Unified School District (SFUSD.) 

If you would like training for your school, an assessment or parent coaching for your child, you can contact Teresa at TeresaCurrivan@gmail.com

You may also be interested in: Teresa’s article on ADHD and Neurodiversity, Teresa’s Blog, “Neurodivergent Musings…”, or Neurodivergence and Sound: The Implications of Central Auditory Processing Disorder